So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You are the jesus of drinking
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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