She is in my trunk
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
