she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
