New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
