But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
