Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
