Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
