Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
