FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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