I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
