Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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