I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
