His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
