Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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