I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize