She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
