What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
