She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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