i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
