I wish I could teleport
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
