He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
