Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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