i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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