she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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