sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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