if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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