Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
