I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
