also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
