She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize