I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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