I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize