I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
