I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
