When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
