Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
