She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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