Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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