Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
