I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
