Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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