Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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