the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
