I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
