I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
