yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
