is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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