I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.