I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
