Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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