I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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