i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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