dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
