Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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