that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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