I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
