listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
