Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
