Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
